A Journal Entry

This isn't the kind of blog post that I'm going to advertise on Twitter, or that I expect anyone to comment on. I really just need to utilize my blog as a journal for a moment. Take a second to reflect on an issue that I have, while I'm having it.

Obviously you all know that I struggle with my weight. I've made it no secret. Nor have I made it a secret that I have an issue with self-control and a bit of a food addiction. I spent all day trying to convince myself to be healthy. I had a chicken sub from Subway for lunch, but then I also had chips and a root beer with it. Of course, I was hungry by 3:30pm, so I made a snack of a caprese salad. My tomato and basil were kind of old and I just ended up eating the mozzarella, then a roll to sub for the missing items. Another problem. Then, I came home and ate left over baked ziti, two pieces of garlic bread, a slice of apple pie (I'm not sorry for the pie because it's my Nanas home made apple pie and I only usually get it once a year so THERE), AND orange sorbet. 

I don't know what's wrong with my brain. I wasn't hungry. At all. 

I strive to be honest with you guys on here and, in doing so, I feel like I should divulge the fact that when I came home, I had just been at Target. I initially stopped there to buy Jason some shoe laces that he asked for, but I tried on a maxi in the mean time. It was alright, but I could see the bulge of my stomach through the front, and it just made me feel awful. The saddest part is that I then spent ten minutes picking out some of those knock-off spanx for your thighs, so I could wear them under my dresses without my thighs rubbing together, which I've been having an issue with since gaining about 5lbs through out all of this moving and instability.

For some reason, all of that encouraged me to come home and EAT AND EAT. 

I'm just so tired of constantly letting myself down. I got up, got a glass of ice water, and started writing this post. It's time to stop hiding my sad little secrets and just be frank. Maybe the less taboo they become, the more I'll want to take control of them.

The good news is, for the next four days, I won't have an opportunity to eat for no reason. I'll be out with clients and a designer all day Tuesday and Wednesday, and then I have a model install on Thursday and Friday. Luckily, that means quite a bit of movement- walking, lifting, etc. I really want to take these next few days that I have, and make them the start of a better habit.

I plan on stopping by Youfit on my way home tomorrow, to find out if I can transfer my membership up here to Sarasota. I've taken the fact that I don't have a gym to go to, and that there's always someone in my way at the house, as an excuse to not work out. This way, not only would I get to escape to the gym to have some personal time, I would also get a work out in.

I just need some encouragement. I need a friend to do this with me. My best friend is going through the same thing, but she's down in Fort Myers and has a total opposite schedule for me, so it doesn't really work. My mom would, but we would just end up screaming at each other- there's years of tension there, on that subject. 

I just feel like utter crap, and I'm tired of feeling that way.