Whine, Whine, Whine.

I wasn't planning on writing anything today, but half of the people in my office are out and it seems like right now would be a pretty opportune time to just sit and see what comes out. There's your warning.

***NOTE: This turns into a I’m Unhappy About Myself, Listen To Me Whine type of post about half way through.****

I've been in a bit of a blah mood for the past week or so. I'm been extremely tired and yet still dragging my butt out and around to do things. I definitely had a difficult time keeping myself awake on the 90 minute drive to work this morning. I hate fighting exhaustion while driving. It scares me more than driving drunk or texting while driving. I’ve also been having problems with swelling in my face. I had slight swelling on the lower right side of my jaw when I woke up on Saturday, then I was alright on Sunday. Monday I was a little more swollen again, and yesterday the entire right side of my face got swollen, before it kind of migrated and moved down to just my lips. Now it’s gone, but it was really strange. I don’t know if it’s allergies or some kind of infection or what, but other than the swelling, I feel fine.

I’ve been eating like crap for the past month or so and while the scale hasn’t really changed, I can feel it in my body. My thighs are rubbing together a little more than normal and I’m lethargic, tired, I have head-aches, and my skin is drier than normal. I need to do something immediately, but it’s so hard right now while we’re living with my parents, because they’re always expecting us to go out to trivia with them, and go to arena football games, and all sorts of things. It’s constant eating, drinking, and going somewhere.

I’ve always joked around that I’m addicted to food, but I’m starting to think that I really, truly am. I’m starting to think it’s more than just the fact that I enjoy food and that I’m a bored-eater. I’m feeling as though it’s a real addiction. And, oddly enough, I feel like part of it stems from dieting.

I never thought about food 24/7 in early college or high school. I was still slightly chubby and I ate quite a bit, but it wasn’t until I gained 30lbs in college that I started thinking about food non-stop. How many calories are in this, how much of this can I eat without going over my caloric-intake limit, what am I going to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next three days?

It wasn’t until I had to start thinking about what was in food, and how much of it I was consuming on a daily basis, that I started obsessing. Instead of obsessing about healthy foods, it became I need to eat as much of this as I can right now because what happens if I start another diet tomorrow and then I can’t have it again for three months? It’s really messed with me.

I’ve talked time and time again about trying to be healthy and changing my lifestyle. I’ve failed time and time again as well, and I’ll also keep trying time and time again.

I’ve been considering hypnotism to help with my bored eating and my I MUST EAT EVERY MORSEL ON THE PLATE!!! attitude. I know people that it’s worked for, and I know people who have done it and ruined it on their drive home from the appointment (case in point: my coworker got hypnotized to quit smoking, and texted me on her drive home from leaving the place that she was currently having a cigarette). I’m not relying on this. I need to work on my own self-control.

I have the problem that when one area of my life is messy, I allow all of the others to become messy as well. So right now, with our messy living situation at my parents and me working from home on the coffee table because there’s no room anywhere else, I’ve also let me health and my friendships slip. Also, it doesn’t help that Jason doesn’t start work until Monday, and having him home every second of every day leaves me cleaning up after him non-stop and being sucked into everything he wants to do.

I just need some organization and some quiet time. My parents never stop talking and the TV is always on full blast. I love my parents very much, but I’m just not used to this kind of non-stop interaction. I think I need to take some time by myself and go do something just for me.

I’m going crazy.

End rant.