Love Yourself, and Others Can Love You

It’s been a little over two years since I created my first blog (not including the LiveJournal that I had all throughout high school- let’s not go there). It wasn’t me at all, it was someone that I thought I wanted to be, and a few short months later I gave in and changed to this one.

I’ve mentioned before that I feel like I’ve never given this the time and love that it deserves. I have a very difficult time finding balance in my life. I’m usually the person who will plan to do something that she wants but then give it up in order to do something someone else wants, and make them happy. I’m constantly more worried about those around me being happy than myself.

I’ve been in a slump for the past two weeks, though a lot of blessings have come our way. I’m very grateful that these opportunities have been given to us and that somehow we seem to have stumbled upon the path God wanted us on, but I just feel like things are beginning and not progressing. They’re static.

We’ve waited two weeks post hiring for Jason to start his job (he finally got his schedule yesterday and he officially starts on Monday), which has put us two weeks to a month behind schedule on finding somewhere to live. Which means we’ve also spent more money than we planned on, because the longer with we live my parents, the more we go out. It’s all fun, but I just worry.

I thought it would be easy for us to find a balance with my parents to eat healthy and cook meals. My mom and I were going to go for walks after work together every day, because we both get home around 6:30. I thought I would take the dog to the dog park. None of these things have happened simply because of my own fault.

I never just do things for myself. I mean, I partially do, because it makes me happy to see other people happy. But I don’t do things to make myself, specifically, happy. This is something that I’m working on. I’m also working on the fact that I feel like all of the areas in my life need to be organized in order for one specific area to work.

My mother instilled the virtue of guilt and worry into me (thanks, mom) and for the past few weeks I’ve been having a bit of a hypochondiatic episode. I’ve been getting a lot of sinus issues and headaches, along with getting slightly dizzy and needing to back pretty far away from the computer to focus. My mind immediately turns this into: there is a tumor in my brain. Granted, while I sit here and think this, I never make a move to go to the doctor, I just stew in my own horrid thoughts.

So for the past few days, I’ve been trying to eat a lot healthier in an effort to see if some of my issues go away. Just in the past three days, I’ve felt an increase in my energy. I didn’t nearly fall asleep on the drive to work this morning, and I’m back to being able to sleep through the night (the fact that we got the sleep timer fixed on the TV helps with that one). I do attribute some of these things to allergies, as my sinuses have changed greatly since we moved. My body just isn’t used to Sarasota anymore. It’s a whole different world of plants and pollen than Naples was, haha.

The point is this: I’m going to start doing things for myself, like everyone else does. Just because I occasionally put myself first does not mean that I love anyone any less. I just means I love myself as well. And in true Jessica fashion, I made a list of the things I’m going to try to work towards.

1. Set aside specific times for blogging and blog related work. I love this thing, even with as little as I currently give it. I want to be able to really let it into my heart. To get it to a point where I’m not ashamed to let my family members and friends find it, if they want. Jason knows about it, and the other day he asked me what the name of it was, but said he didn’t care to read it. My parents know that I do it, but they don’t know how I really enjoy it. I’ve made a couple of friends, and found a ton of hearts that I connect with through this world. I want that to continue growing.


2. If I don’t want to watch something that my family or Jason is watching, I will not feel guilty about going into another room. I know that TV is not important in the grand scheme of things, but it’s not about the tv. It’s about not forcing myself to sit through something that I don’t want to, if I don’t have to. It’s about asserting the fact that I can step away and do something that I want to do.


3. I won’t feel guilty about treating myself every once in a while. Whether it’s Starbucks on a Friday morning, or a pedicure once a month, I will not feel guilty. I work hard and I deserve to treat myself. Also, I have a husband that will legitimately come get a manicure as I get a pedicure and who doesn’t love a husband with nice, soft hands?


4. I will take my health more seriously. I don’t have to run marathons, or strength train seven days a week to treat myself well. If we go out to dinner and Jason wants me to get something that’s (delicious, but) awful for me because he wants to eat some of it, along with what he’s ordered, I’ll stand up for myself and tell him no, because I want that salad, dang it! (Said no one, ever.)


5. Embrace and advance my faith. This one was inspired by Amber, who launched a virtual bible study for those of us who are a little lost on how to start, and to put into practice, what we feel, read, and think. Since we got married, we’ve done nothing but talk about finding a church. We’re still a smidge in limbo with that, because we both know that if the church isn’t nearby, we probably won’t make it on a Sunday morning. And since we don’t know exactly where we’re going to live yet, we don’t really know where we should start looking. But I thought that maybe, in the meantime, I could attend my childhood church (which is a big congregation and probably wouldn’t notice our attendance, then disappearance), and I could jump back on my devotional. I’m excited about the Friday bible study’s with Amber and I hope you’ll join, too, if you’re interested!

I think these are a great place to start. Some will be easier than others for myself, but I’m working towards them either way. Wish me luck!

Do you guys have the same problem as I do? Are there any areas in your life that you want to take more control of? Do you have any advice for me on any of these areas?