Blogtember Jump In

Thanks to the lovely Madi, I was made aware that todays Blogtember post is to write an anonymous letter to your Facebook friends, being as snarky as you'd like.

 

Well, I haven't participated in Blogtember yet, but how on earth could I pass that up?

 

Dear Facebook Friends,

 

Some of you I've known for years, and some of you I've only met once, usually while drunk at a party in college. But no matter how long I've known any of you, you still all annoy the crap out of me.

 

To the girl who can't stop posting pictures of herself in shorts the size of underwear: We get it. You're thin. You're tan. You like walking around basically naked with no self-respect. And you like showing all of that off! Good for you. You have great genetics worked hard to look that way, and that's more than I've done, but can you please realize that the only people waiting around to look at your butt cheeks hanging out are the creepy men who stalk your posts? I'd just like to be able to log into my Facebook account at work without worrying about my bosses thinking I'm looking at porn.

 

To the guy who has no idea what a full sentence is: Initially, I thought I was going to blast you, but now that I think about it, your simple I got my car washed it was awesome Facebook updates are quick, easy, and I can scroll past it without feeling as though I missed anything. Let's leave you alone.

 

To the self-righteous lawyer who is obsessed with spreading the word on everything: Listen up, lady, because I have a bone to pick with you. We used to be friends, but back then you were cool. We could drink wine, eat cheese, and dish on Buffy with no problems. But now-a-days, all you talk about is being an advocate for breast feeding and yelling at anyone with an opinion that doesn't match your own. I'm tired of Facebook being a political platform. I totally respect your choice to not eat Barilla now because the CEO doesn't want gay couples in his commercials. You should also respect the fact that it's HIS company, that HE owns, and that it's HIS choice who he wants to put in his commercials. Also, as a woman who has it in her mind that she probably wont breast feed, I'm really tired of you attacking any other parenting style than your own. You are not perfect. You are not a saint. Leave it.

 

To my mom: Learn to use Facebook properly. Please. It's not that hard. Love you.

 

And lastly, to the sorority girl who wants her life to seem, "OMG, SO AMAZE.": Don't ever forget that I know you in real life, and so do a lot of your other Facebook friends. I honestly don't know why I find you so annoying (probably jealousy) but I do and that's that so please just shut up.

 

Love always and for never,