Struggles

I’ve been extremely lucky, and grateful, that I’ve experienced very little suffering in my life. I’ve had pets and grandparents pass away, but I’ve been extremely blessed to have grown up in a very loving family, in a beautiful city, and been given the opportunity to attend college and get married without having to take out any loans. I have a pretty bright future ahead of me and I’m a very happy person.

 

But there are a few things that I would change if I could. As I’m sure you know by now, if you’ve been reading for a few weeks/months, I have a bit of a weight struggle.

 

Motivation is so hard to come by these days. I tend to only find it in the form of other people. The past few days have been hard on my body. I was doing really well with eating healthier, but on Tuesday I gave into a coworker and bought Wendy’s for lunch, and from there it just went downhill.

 

I won’t get into the details. You’re not here to read about my stats or calorie counts. But what I will say is that it’s amazing how much it helps just to have people out there that care, even if they don’t know you. All of those Instagram accounts of personal trainers, or other people going through the same thing you’re going through- for me, those are the best motivation. I’m extremely visual, so the more I look at something that I want, the more motivation I have to go after it.

 

I woke up this morning feeling like crap from the Dominos we ate for dinner last night. And then the Oreos that followed it. Don’t get me wrong, Jason and I had a great night together. Last night was one of the most fun nights we’ve had in a while, just staying home and watching tv together. It was silly and filled with love. But waking up from the aftermath of what I put into my body, I woke up with heartburn, an upset stomach, and bloating. I felt awful. And it occurred to me that I’ve been feeling this way for a long time and that, due to the last few weeks of being conscious about how much I’ve been eating (but without major restriction), I’ve felt this way for the last seven years. Since my freshman year of college where I went crazy on the pizza, McDonalds, and Bud Light. That’s what started me on this path.

 

And the craziest part is: I make myself feel this way. No one else. I put myself in these positions. I can’t blame it on PMS or hormones, I can’t blame it on a bad day. I choose to do this to myself.

 

I’ve always thought that I was a little overweight, but looking back at pictures from middle school and high school, I wasn’t really. I was pretty average. I had a little extra on me, but some people are built more that way than others. I’ll always have child bearing hips, a big butt, big boobs, and thighs that could crush better than a trash compacter. I like those things about myself now. I was so self-conscious of them back then. I thought I was fat. I wore a jacket tied around my waist every day of middle school, I hated my hips so much. (It wasn’t until I entered high school that I realized boys like big butts.)

 

These days, I know that I’m technically ‘obese’, but I’m pretty happy with myself. I grew into my looks and I learned how to look, feel, and act like a woman, not a tomboy (well, I’m definitely still a tomboy sometimes). The only thing that ever really upsets me is not feeling good in my clothes. I love fashion. I may not look like it all the time, but I’m mildly obsessed. The fact that my weight holds me back from enjoying something that I hold so dear drives me absolutely insane.

 

So I woke up this morning and after my shower, I looked at myself in the mirror for a minute. I pointed out the things I like about myself, and then the things that maybe weren’t so bad, but that I wanted to improve. I’m not concerned about stretch marks, they happen to almost everyone. And in my experience, a man has never turned me down because I had a little red line on my stomach. They don’t even see them. They just see a woman in front of them. 

 

So in the spirit of motivation and a new good friend who is pushing me stay healthy, I’m starting over again. I know that after 2 days, it’s not necessarily starting over. I just had a bad few days. But I need that motivation that a fresh, new beginning gives you. And I have it.

 

So that’s all I really wanted to say. Thank you to everyone who made it through that, and to everyone who will read the next starting over post, because we know they’ll happen again.

 

It’s like Jason always tells me: “Failing is a part of succeeding.” His is usually in reference to friends or family members that are working through addiction issues, but I would say that my relationship with food is an addiction, and this applies greatly to me.

 

No one does it perfectly. Everyone falls off of the wagon, because getting back on is part of the learning process.